A letter to Lynn.

I'm just confused. Was I a stepping stool to you? "She's more of a mother to you than your actual mother" Yeah, but that's not a steep hill to climb. Doesn't mean I didn't suffer under your neglect and abuse. Doesn't mean I didn't feel less than everyone else because I was your whipping post. I was only ever good enough to be something women would be attracted to, but only if I "lose the weight". That FUCKED me up. All I ever wanted was a good family. I never felt worthy of it because of how you spoke to me. I still don't feel worthy of it even though I DEFIED THE ODDS AND AM BETTER AT BEING MARRIED THAN YOU! Fuck you. Eat shit. Back then I had to struggle to feel okay about myself. You might have spent $$ buying me clothes you actually meant to buy for my 60 yr old dad... Doesn't change the fact I couldn't find a shred of confidence in who I am emotionally, physically, or mentally because of how you made me view myself. I still don't feel very positive about myself, but I have struggled working on it myself and have come to the realization that I didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve the remarks as a teenager who was hungry. I didn't deserve the diets and the threats of locking the fridge. I didn't deserve the threats of being sent to military camp for the smallest of "infractions" of eating an extra cold hotdog weiner because you would hear the microwave. I didn't deserve to be nothing better than a work horse for your greed. "I hoped you'd take over the business some day" How the fuck could I do that when I was stuck washing dishes week in and week out all weekend no social life just dish washing and yelling? I wasn't taught to run your business, I was taught to be the only thing holding up your business. And when I stopped, what happened? It went to shit? Jeez, probably because the 14 yr old (you fired every week for this or that even though he was the only one actually keeping you afloat) wasn't pushing it forward. I DONT WANT YOUR BUSINESS BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF YOU. It reminds me of the condescention. It reminds me of the pompousness. It reminds me of the egomania. It reminds me of the neglect. Fuck your business. I have considered buying that fucking awning in Guthrie and taking a shit on it just for some sort of cathartic release! Fuck you. I hate you. Done, James

A letter to my mother, for my sister.

Elizabeth Lynn, if you ever see this. This is part of the conversation about your mother that we never got to have. You want to know about her and me. The amount of anger you felt for me/towards me, this is a glimps into what it was like as an 8 year old being treated like a full adult. You guys always talked about Dale's anger, you never talked about this shit. Feel free to read below; Dear mom, Just thinking about you today. Thinking about how you sat me down and told me you were destroying my home before I could even learn what a family is. Which makes me think about how my son is almost 8 and I couldn't imagine putting that kind of stress on him. I couldn't imagine thinking it's a good idea to completely destroy his world for the rest of his life like that. How could you? You always cried like I was the one who turned from you. YOU left ME. YOU decided that when I was 8 I could either stay in what little bit of a world I had left or I could move 2 hours away. How could you put that on a child? How could you force me to make that decision? How could you spend every single moment we had together after that a rehashing of how you blamed me for you leaving me as a child? How could you abandon me and then not talk to me or pretend I had any real power in the situation? What did you see in 6 or 8 year old me that you thought "This kid gets it, he's grown up enough to make full adult decisions on his own." What was it? Why did you shun me every time I called you? Why did you rake me through the coals verbally any time I spoke to you? Why did you blame 8 year old me (9, 10, 11 yr old me) for your decisions? Why did you waste multiple years of my childhood and teenage years ignoring me? Why was I being punished for your decisions?!? All I needed was my mother and you couldn't be bothered. "It hurt too much." Yeah, well being ignored by your mother hurts more. Also, YOU WEREN'T A FUCKING CHILD! What pisses me off more than anything is i'm not even mad at you. I'm hurt. I'm hurt that I worked to constantly try to rebuild what you claimed to always want between us and you couldn't recognize your first actual grandchild in your funeral. I was ostracized. My only family I had to lean on was the two abusers that took care of me in my hometown. You left me for dead. How dare you! I am so angry at you. I didn't deserve that. I WAS A FUCKING BABY!!! I WAS YOUR BABY! YOU ABANDONED ME AND BLAMED ME THAT YOU LEFT! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU FUCK YOUR LEGACY FUCK YOUR OTHER CHILDREN FUCK IT ALL FUCK YOU!!!! "You're like a piece of my heart walking around" THEN WHY DID YOU TREAT YOUR 8 YR OLD BABY HEART LIKE HE WAS A GROWN MAN WHO WAS A LOVER SCORNED?!? YOU DON'T TREAT THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE LIKE THAT! I tried. I really did. I wanted to belong SOMEWHERE. Fucking anywhere! So, I created where I would be accepted. I found people that DO love me. It's fucking annoying that I have no good memories of you because of how you punished me for being 8. Fuck you. I WAS A BABY! I WAS A BABY! I WAS A BABY! I WAS A BABY! I WAS A BABY! I WAS A BABY! I WAS A BABY! I WAS A BABY! I WAS A BABY! I WAS A BABY! I WAS A BABY! I WAS A BABY! I WAS A BABY! I WAS A BABY! I WAS A BABY! My son will never know the hurt you put me through. He will never really know you. Not because I refuse to teach him, but because the only real you I knew wasn't a good mother or person. The only you I knew blamed everyone else for their problems. The only you I knew only ever wanted to see me because you knew you could start the wheel of abuse yet again. It felt good knowing you controlled me. It felt good knowing you could blame me. It felt good knowing I needed my mother and you could turn it off like that. If felt good abandoning your responsibilities. If felt good to you. It must have because I can't see how anyone could put that on their baby for 20 years unless it did feel good. Signed that 6 year old who can't yet read being asked whether you should divorce his dad and break up his family, Fuck you, James