A letter to Lynn.

I'm just confused. Was I a stepping stool to you? "She's more of a mother to you than your actual mother" Yeah, but that's not a steep hill to climb. Doesn't mean I didn't suffer under your neglect and abuse. Doesn't mean I didn't feel less than everyone else because I was your whipping post. I was only ever good enough to be something women would be attracted to, but only if I "lose the weight". That FUCKED me up. All I ever wanted was a good family. I never felt worthy of it because of how you spoke to me. I still don't feel worthy of it even though I DEFIED THE ODDS AND AM BETTER AT BEING MARRIED THAN YOU! Fuck you. Eat shit. Back then I had to struggle to feel okay about myself. You might have spent $$ buying me clothes you actually meant to buy for my 60 yr old dad... Doesn't change the fact I couldn't find a shred of confidence in who I am emotionally, physically, or mentally because of how you made me view myself. I still don't feel very positive about myself, but I have struggled working on it myself and have come to the realization that I didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve the remarks as a teenager who was hungry. I didn't deserve the diets and the threats of locking the fridge. I didn't deserve the threats of being sent to military camp for the smallest of "infractions" of eating an extra cold hotdog weiner because you would hear the microwave. I didn't deserve to be nothing better than a work horse for your greed. "I hoped you'd take over the business some day" How the fuck could I do that when I was stuck washing dishes week in and week out all weekend no social life just dish washing and yelling? I wasn't taught to run your business, I was taught to be the only thing holding up your business. And when I stopped, what happened? It went to shit? Jeez, probably because the 14 yr old (you fired every week for this or that even though he was the only one actually keeping you afloat) wasn't pushing it forward. I DONT WANT YOUR BUSINESS BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF YOU. It reminds me of the condescention. It reminds me of the pompousness. It reminds me of the egomania. It reminds me of the neglect. Fuck your business. I have considered buying that fucking awning in Guthrie and taking a shit on it just for some sort of cathartic release! Fuck you. I hate you. Done, James